Before you read any further please know two things. First, I’m perfectly fine. Second, I’m rambling and have no idea where this is going.
I very much feel like I’m drowning. Its a feeling that has come on slowly over the last couple of days. The friends I was closest too seem really far away right now and I’m finding myself doubting I am worth them. I’ve been feeling very defeated because Project Me isn’t working at all, and today we were told that my husband’s health is worse than we thought. This afternoon I could no longer feel my Higher Power.
So this afternoon I was curled up on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, and scrolling lazily through my Facebook feed. I noticed a Facebook friend had posted about the death of a friend of hers. When I looked into a little (I really just wanted to know if I knew the person) it became obvious pretty quickly that this person took her own life. Suicide has come up a lot lately. I was doing a Bible study for 6 weeks directed by Pastor Rick Warren. His son lost his life to suicide not that long ago. Just a week or two ago I was in the Pastor’s office of my church (yes, I joined a church… ) in tears discussing that very topic because one of my biggest fears is losing my girl to suicide (she’s very stable right now but its a fear that never goes away). I have a feeling this topic ties in tightly to what I’m supposed to do with my life.
As far as suicide goes, that’s not where my mind is at for myself. I feel like I do because of the removal of my IUD this past week. The IUD (Mirena) did more damage in 6 short months than I could possibly have ever guessed. I lost most of my hair, gained 15 pounds despite Project Me, and lost control of my hormones. The out of balance hormones have caused such a problem with my blood sugar and insulin resistance. I honestly am not even sure where to begin straightening this mess out. My knees and elbows are so sore today but I read that joint pain is common after removal of the IUD. I truly do not wish this on anyone.
I have a long road ahead of me in order to fix the damage that a poor decision on my part caused. I have to keep reminding myself that the depression will pass, that the changes I made will come out on top in the end, and that I am not alone. I think its important for me, at least for myself, to document this journey fully, starting today.
Now don’t let the sad and icky stuff fool you. We are doing better than we have in a very long time. The kidlets and I have started attending church and I found that I can work in my personal beliefs with the beliefs of my church. I feel like we belong there and that’s no small thing at all. I made the decision to join the church and the pastor and I had a great discussion. Xander has started Head Start and he’s having a fantastic time! I went to a meeting that I thought was mandatory and AFTER I somehow got elected Chairperson of the Parent Committee I found out that it was a voluntary meeting. I was also elected a representative of the Policy Committee and ended up Vice Chairperson there. I kinda regretted it at first, but now I’m pretty excited. I’m in a position where I can make a difference somehow.
Beth is incredibly stable, and has been for most of 2013. She is still stumbling through social interactions and of course little girls her age are not very patient or understanding so that has been a challenge but she’s rising to the challenge. Instead of trying to teach her to fit in, we are teaching her how to embrace her differences. We are working closely with the guidance counselor who is helping to reinforce that she is deliciously unique and has so much to offer the world simply by being in it. We’re working on how to avoid those children who just can’t seem to be nice and how to embrace those who see the value in her. The reality of life is that not everyone is going to like you, and that’s okay. Beth is learning these lessons beautifully and is blossoming before our eyes. She’s looking for a book or resource about kids with autism, so we’re working on finding that for her. I think she wants to feel less alone. We still haven’t gone down the schizophrenia road discussion with her but we may have to before long. All in all I couldn’t be more happy.
Jolie is working hard at making me be a better parent. I’ve been attending sessions with a therapist weekly learning about RAD (Reactive attachment disorder) and how to successfully parent that condition. What I’ve learned and put into effect has changed our relationship and changed our family dynamic for the better. I still have to work on being a bit more patient but the changes have been so incredible.
Peter has flourished and is captivating people everywhere he goes. He’s 5 now, and charming, outgoing, and quick to tell you when the rules have been violated. He’s snuggly, cuddly, and an absolute joy.