Chaos

About Me…

chaos-theologyI

 

‘m sure some of you have clicked on the “about me” page… and while none of that is inaccurate information, it’s vastly incomplete information. I have decided to detach my Facebook from this site. I know it doesn’t hide anything but it helps my anxiety and will make this feel like a safer place to write, despite the fact that I know it’s not actually any safer. For years now I have been careful to censor what I write due to who may read it, but I don’t see that happening anymore. I want to ramble.

As I said in the last post, I’m battling a serious darkness. A darkness that is trying to swallow me… but I’m not a victim. I have people in my life who want to help me and be there for me. The problem is I have no idea how to reach out. When someone asks the question “How can I help?” I have no answer. I have no idea how you can help. I’m not even sure how I can help. When JD was sick and in the hospital several people asked how they could help. I had no answer then either. What is the answer? If anyone knows it, please leave it in the comments section. I REALLY want to know. A good friend texted me today, and we had a conversation about how I don’t reach out. How are people supposed to help if I don’t let them know I’m in need? I guess the answer to that is that I have to recognize that I need help.

I had built myself a fairly stable, regular life. It clearly didn’t last through the summer. We stopped going to church… not because I don’t want to, but because it became impossible. I loved church and I intend to get back into church next month. I’ve never been very good in a crowd and I have my hands full with 4 small(ish) kids so I don’t socialize much there. People say a church family is supposed to be there for you, but how can they when you don’t tell them you are in over your head? I can’t possibly take on anything else. I have so many obligations for this coming school year that I’m honestly not sure how to handle what I’ve got on my plate already. One of my sisters said the best way to build a relationship within the church is to be active outside of Sunday services. I’m not even sure where to begin with that. I also have next to no confidence in my self or my abilities, save one. I have a new found confidence in my ability to be a part of the human services field.

Back to the problem. I think the problem stems from the fact that I have DID. Sorry, I’m not in the mood to explain right now so you are going to have to look that one up. If you know how to find me outside of this blog and you’re confused by the fact that I have never mentioned it then please reach out to me and talk to me.  If you still haven’t stopped to look it up, the rest of this might be a bit confusing. You’re welcome to keep reading either way.

The DID often causes some struggle within. It’s not so much a power struggle anymore. It’s more like the brain is no longer always interested in staying focused, regardless of who is out at any given time. This is leading to forgotten conversations, stuffed emotions, chronic mood swings that closely resemble a different mental health issue, and increased anxiety. The only thing we are getting right consistently is being a good mama.  Life is confusing, the darkness is stifling, and I’m feeling comfort in the dark chaos.

I’m ending here for now.

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