Thoughts….

I have some deep and intense, emotionally raw, thoughts I need to get out. I’ve been thinking about blogging them for awhile now but haven’t made time to do it. Truthfully I don’t have time to do it now. I’m just going to write until I have to take the kidlets to church for their vacation bible school type thing.

This summer has been brutal to us. Jolie had surgery on her ear in an attempt to correct her hearing and it didn’t seem to work. There’s actually a chance that she hears worse now. We’ll know for sure in a couple of weeks but this has been hell on her. She goes from acceptance, to anger, to depression and back again. It doesn’t help a lot that she’s starting a new school either because she’s anxious about that. She’s only 8. The poor kid needs a break, seriously.  Beth has spent the summer in camp as part of her education plan, but Jolie doesn’t have that option so she’s been secluding herself for the most part and seems to anger quickly.

The kids’ dad nearly died a couple of weeks ago. A trip to the ER led to a 4 day stay in ICU with no real explanation as to how or why the problems happened. He went from being an uncontrolled diabetic with massively high blood pressure to suddenly fighting low blood sugar, low blood pressure, and chronic kidney failure. He’s had the kidney failure for awhile but that night the kidneys hit an all time low and scared the crap out of the hospital staff. Jolie is so close to her dad and really took this very hard. He came home for 4 days, and then crashed again and was gone for another 4 days. He’s been home for a week as of today. Things are slightly more stable but we are still having to be very careful.

I’ve spent so much time taking care of all of them and dealing with everything that needed to be done that I neglected myself. It’s a chronic problem that I have. I have truthfully been neglecting myself for years. I’ve spent years thinking the worst of myself. I’ve always felt like I was a failure and not worth the time or energy to receive help or to help myself. I never learned how to manage my own health conditions properly and I never retained anything that the very few people who believed in me ever tried to teach me.

Right now I feel lost inside. I feel raw, vulnerable, and scared. I worry that I’m beyond God’s salvation. I am going through the motions and doing what my family needs me to do in order to survive, and I’m doing it with a smile.

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