My poor Jolie is going through such a rough time. Tonight a wonderful woman from church came over after putting in a full work day to spend some time with my girl. Ms. J, the wonderful woman that she is, spent a long time walking with my girl as they discussed life and hearing issues. Ms. J understands hearing issues. I feel so incredibly blessed that this woman values my child enough to spend time with her.
Jolie is very scared about the upcoming school year. A brand new school, new friends, and a hearing issue that didn’t go away like she thought it would. She’s showing some pretty intense anxiety over just about everything lately. I hate the idea of jumping right into medication so we are working hard on coping skills and she’s really doing well with them. She’s learning to talk things through in a calm manner, and she’s finally learning how to come to us when she needs to talk instead of isolating herself. She’s using our animals (her cat and our family dog) as therapy animals and it is definitely helping her. I just hate seeing her struggle so much.
Jolie is the child that previously had the RAD diagnosis. We (our team) are now thinking that it never was RAD. It has possibly always been the hearing loss causing her behavioral issues. We have noticed that since we have identified the hearing loss she has been easier to work with and less combative.
I talked to the school today. School starts on Wednesday. They are on board with helping her acclimate and making sure her 504 plan is being implemented. We are truly blessed to have people willing to help our girl.
I don’t know if it was all the writing I did last night, or the church event with the kids tonight, or just a natural lifting of the darkness… but the darkness parted and right now I feel pretty content. I’m watching the newest Dr. Who special and eagerly waiting for the new season to start tomorrow night.
Once this is over I need to find some sleep. I’m averaging about 3 hours a night and it’s exhausting! Tonight’s wrap up of the kids’ vacation bible school was awesome though and made me very happy. Xander even participated, which was nice because he’s not really interested in being up in front of a crowd. Beth was surrounded by at least 3 friends, and that was awesome to see. Jolie won a door prize (bowling tickets) and Peter danced until he was exhausted! Beth ended up going home with her best friend for a sleepover and now everyone is settling down for the night.
School begins next week. As much as I’m ready to have a structured routine back I also dread it. I’m going to miss the kids so much! I love having them around and since we’ve had such a tough summer it has been nice to keep them close. They are all ready to go back though. They miss school so very much.
‘m sure some of you have clicked on the “about me” page… and while none of that is inaccurate information, it’s vastly incomplete information. I have decided to detach my Facebook from this site. I know it doesn’t hide anything but it helps my anxiety and will make this feel like a safer place to write, despite the fact that I know it’s not actually any safer. For years now I have been careful to censor what I write due to who may read it, but I don’t see that happening anymore. I want to ramble.
As I said in the last post, I’m battling a serious darkness. A darkness that is trying to swallow me… but I’m not a victim. I have people in my life who want to help me and be there for me. The problem is I have no idea how to reach out. When someone asks the question “How can I help?” I have no answer. I have no idea how you can help. I’m not even sure how I can help. When JD was sick and in the hospital several people asked how they could help. I had no answer then either. What is the answer? If anyone knows it, please leave it in the comments section. I REALLY want to know. A good friend texted me today, and we had a conversation about how I don’t reach out. How are people supposed to help if I don’t let them know I’m in need? I guess the answer to that is that I have to recognize that I need help.
I had built myself a fairly stable, regular life. It clearly didn’t last through the summer. We stopped going to church… not because I don’t want to, but because it became impossible. I loved church and I intend to get back into church next month. I’ve never been very good in a crowd and I have my hands full with 4 small(ish) kids so I don’t socialize much there. People say a church family is supposed to be there for you, but how can they when you don’t tell them you are in over your head? I can’t possibly take on anything else. I have so many obligations for this coming school year that I’m honestly not sure how to handle what I’ve got on my plate already. One of my sisters said the best way to build a relationship within the church is to be active outside of Sunday services. I’m not even sure where to begin with that. I also have next to no confidence in my self or my abilities, save one. I have a new found confidence in my ability to be a part of the human services field.
Back to the problem. I think the problem stems from the fact that I have DID. Sorry, I’m not in the mood to explain right now so you are going to have to look that one up. If you know how to find me outside of this blog and you’re confused by the fact that I have never mentioned it then please reach out to me and talk to me. If you still haven’t stopped to look it up, the rest of this might be a bit confusing. You’re welcome to keep reading either way.
The DID often causes some struggle within. It’s not so much a power struggle anymore. It’s more like the brain is no longer always interested in staying focused, regardless of who is out at any given time. This is leading to forgotten conversations, stuffed emotions, chronic mood swings that closely resemble a different mental health issue, and increased anxiety. The only thing we are getting right consistently is being a good mama. Life is confusing, the darkness is stifling, and I’m feeling comfort in the dark chaos.
I have some deep and intense, emotionally raw, thoughts I need to get out. I’ve been thinking about blogging them for awhile now but haven’t made time to do it. Truthfully I don’t have time to do it now. I’m just going to write until I have to take the kidlets to church for their vacation bible school type thing.
This summer has been brutal to us. Jolie had surgery on her ear in an attempt to correct her hearing and it didn’t seem to work. There’s actually a chance that she hears worse now. We’ll know for sure in a couple of weeks but this has been hell on her. She goes from acceptance, to anger, to depression and back again. It doesn’t help a lot that she’s starting a new school either because she’s anxious about that. She’s only 8. The poor kid needs a break, seriously. Beth has spent the summer in camp as part of her education plan, but Jolie doesn’t have that option so she’s been secluding herself for the most part and seems to anger quickly.
The kids’ dad nearly died a couple of weeks ago. A trip to the ER led to a 4 day stay in ICU with no real explanation as to how or why the problems happened. He went from being an uncontrolled diabetic with massively high blood pressure to suddenly fighting low blood sugar, low blood pressure, and chronic kidney failure. He’s had the kidney failure for awhile but that night the kidneys hit an all time low and scared the crap out of the hospital staff. Jolie is so close to her dad and really took this very hard. He came home for 4 days, and then crashed again and was gone for another 4 days. He’s been home for a week as of today. Things are slightly more stable but we are still having to be very careful.
I’ve spent so much time taking care of all of them and dealing with everything that needed to be done that I neglected myself. It’s a chronic problem that I have. I have truthfully been neglecting myself for years. I’ve spent years thinking the worst of myself. I’ve always felt like I was a failure and not worth the time or energy to receive help or to help myself. I never learned how to manage my own health conditions properly and I never retained anything that the very few people who believed in me ever tried to teach me.
Right now I feel lost inside. I feel raw, vulnerable, and scared. I worry that I’m beyond God’s salvation. I am going through the motions and doing what my family needs me to do in order to survive, and I’m doing it with a smile.